You are just where you need to be… nothing is wrong with you. You are awake and aware now, of things that you were unable to accept or see in the past. Changing old patterns is not easy, but you are taking it on! Let’s recap a couple of things we discussed in session:
We talked about the need to consider a final ending to the relationship with H. Keeping even occasional communication open– may be holding you back from new relationships– or even pulling you back into a destructive pattern with him. I know it is hard to let go, and give up on the idea that he might finally give you what you need– or
make you the first priority– but it is only an idea or fantasy of what could be. He has shown no signs of the kind of growth or courage it would take to truly be your partner. So although it is difficult, it is time to let go and give yourself permission to move on.
Some suggestions for that process–
1. Write a goodbye letter– and do not send it. Tell him all the things you imagined and believed were possible. Tell him the depth of love, drive, and loyalty you have to give– that he will never know. Tell him that you are no longer available for his games and putdowns; you have worked too hard and value yourself too much for any more waiting or wishing. Let him know you have outgrown him. (Write the letter out– or print it if you are typing it– and possible burn it or destroy it. It feels like a release or ritual to do this, and actually helps a lot)
2. Ask God or the Universe for the strength to cut off contact, and ask for guidance as to grieve the end of this friendship. Write a stream-of consciousness conversation with God, asking for peace in regard to the death of “what could have been” and forgiveness for your regrets. Ask God what traits in a partner, would better match your faith, drive, intelligence, family, and goals. Ask for the strength to let go and the ability to shift your thoughts away from the past, and to actually wish the best for H, without you in the picture. Write your questions– and then let the answers flow out onto the page as well, without thinking too much.
Call or text if you need clarification or support.
You’ve got this!